I recently asked a friend, “Am I doing too much?” and she immediately said, “Probably.” And I think she might be right. I exist in routine and mental checklist a lot of the time.
I am disciplined—and it’s something I’m often complimented on by the people in my life. I take responsibility for my health seriously; it’s never been something I approach lightly. I do my physical therapy exercises, track my pain daily, adjust my movement patterns and sitting position, and pay attention to my breathing. I am constantly aware of my body, and I’m very good at it.
But I am also very, very tired.
Managing chronic pain is something that takes up a significant portion of my life.
There are no true “off” hours. Even in moments that are supposed to be restful, there’s often an internal dialogue asking, “Should I be doing something right now?” A stretch, a corrective exercise, an adjustment in posture, or a change in my breathing pattern.
It always feels like there is something more.
And that’s the paradox I keep running into—this idea that while I am deeply grateful to have tools, knowledge, and some level of control over my pain, I don’t always know where the line is between supporting my body and overdoing it.
That moment forced me to admit something I’ve known for a while: I don’t really know how to stop. Or even more accurately, I don’t know how to trust that stopping is okay.
Because right now, this constant awareness is tipping into hyper-vigilance and making it almost impossible to actually relax.
It brings up a bigger question for me: when does healing start to take away from the very life it’s meant to support?
I’ve built a life—and even a career—around understanding the body. Around helping others feel more connected, more empowered, more capable in their own skin. And yet, when it comes to myself, I sometimes feel like I’m chasing a moving target—trying to optimize and stay ahead of discomfort in a way that doesn’t leave much room for just existing in the present.
Just living.
And I don’t think this is talked about enough.
As a society we celebrate discipline and consistency. The phrase “doing the work” is big in wellness spaces and while these things do matter, they also aren’t the only things that matter. There is a deeper question underneath all of it that I keep coming back to:
“What is the point of all this effort if I don’t actually let myself experience the life it’s meant to give me?”
Maybe the answer isn’t doing more. Maybe it’s knowing when enough is enough, and just being here.